Shocked you again. :)

So, like, I was on my way to the mall to eat with some friends when I bumped into someone I knew way back into High school. and he was like, "Oh hey~ How's the duty coming?" then, my other friend from high school (who happened to be there as well) said "Oh you didn't know? She shifted :O" and he was like "O.O WTF?! whyyyyyyy~~~~~~~"


Is it really that shocking? :)

Haha. what a question to ask myself. I just shifted lang naman to PT on such short notice, even though I was doing extraordinarily well with my grades. The only problem I had was being too stressed out and almost going mental (even suicidal!) because of all the shit Nursing gave me. :P

Self Realization:

I guess I'm not really that strong after all. I cracked. Simply cracked. But hey, everyone has their weaknesses! And I'm like the least of the strongest people I know. I'm not GOD (oh, I love you so much God). I'm not my super MOM either. I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare. I'm just a kid and life is not faaairrr~ Oooh~ haha. I'm kidding. XD

I don't like going on hospital DUTY~~~~ D:

this was one of the main reasons why I decided to stop pushing myself to pursue nursing.  I am like so sick and tired of always taking vital signs, regulating iv fluids, getting scolded by the CI, standing all day and night, never being at ease because you're thinking of your patient 24/7, hoping he wouldn't DIE on your watch. waiting for the 8 hour shift to end, going about milking breasts, asking them about how many times they peed and went to the toilet to shit. I don't want to wipe someone's ass. I don't want to give out medications because I'm afraid i'd kill them if I gave them the wrong one (it's possible!! I happen to be very TANGA). I don't want to continue making NCPs, continue with the no-sleep lifestyle, making of case studies, readings, drug studies and all that. If nursing was really meant for me, I would've loved it by now. I gave it a year and a half, but I don't feel the least bit of affection for it. I wasn't happy during the Capping and Pinning Ceremony, I only did my best because I kept thinking about what others would THINK, what others would FEEL. I think its about time I think of MYSELF for a change. I think its about time I do something that I actually WANT. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. I want to return to being what I was before. 

HAPPY AND CAREFREE AND SMILING AND LAUGHING.

Why can't I be that? Why have I turned into some ugly, depressed, frustrated and down-hearted weakling?!

I'm SCARED. 

I'm just so scared. I'm a coward. :'(

 

I wish my issue would drown out now. :)

I don't want to keep explaining myself to every person I know.

I know I have a lot of explaining to do, but when will it ever eeeeenddd?! 

I WANT TO BE STRONG NOW.

PLEASE, GIVE ME STRENGTH. 

LHEANNA, FIGHTING!!!